To say that I am content would be a lie! My days are quite bipolar...as I have waves of doubt, excitement, overwhelm and pure confusion. I have been told by many of my colleagues that this is a natural feeling the first year of PhD devotion. Not only am I trying to process through heaps of reading material, but I also have these soul-searching thoughts that flood my mind daily. Here is a quick and dirty run-down of a few thoughts that graced my mind today (beware: the following thoughts are negative and not recommended for children with dreams under the ages of 20):1.) Is this really where I should be right now; doing a PhD and living in the south (away from my friends and family)? Living in a world away from the mountains in the deep south where Palin love fests are an everyday common occurrence? No weekend travels to Italy, no hikes up Sanitas, no Sunday walks in Bygdøy, no foreign languages, no Colorado sunsets, just a laptop and a stack of books and assignments. No ski season, #&%@!
2.) Ok, the reality...this is a huge transition from the exciting life I just experienced; gallivanting around the world with the free-spirit of a bald-eagle soaring through the crisp blue skies. Now, I spend my days planning what I will read tomorrow, when I will write the upcoming papers, thinking about Marx, Weber, and Durkheim. Some might prefer to live this life of a thinker, but I am not sure I do. The transition has been quite dramatic.
3.) What the hell am I doing?
4.) The workload is at the level of ridiculousness. I just need to surrender to the fact that I will never be able to read everything that is assigned.
5.) Am I really cut out to be an academic? What will I do with a PhD? What will I write my dissertation on? Will I make it through second year comps (tests)...or first year or better yet this week?
6.) How can I get a travel grant to do research in another country?
7.) Why am I finding it so hard to find the goodness in all of this?
8.) Why am I writing this blog, when I should be reading/studying?
Honesty, damn it's hard to swallow sometimes! I'm hoping that by posting these thoughts, it will be like a garbage disposal and grind up all of the nasty residue in the kitchen sink. If you have answers to any of these questions, dial 1-800-Leasafreaksout.
14 comments:
You would feel so satisfied with your life if you try to think of me, your poor Jie with her family in Misery (Missouri)...her questions are far far beyond this list...
The good news is that life goes fast, and this will pass. After statistics and before dissertation, you will pass your comps and get selected for a Fulbright! And remember that there are people to support you and help you make it through!
Oh, Leasa,
Please do not fret... Well. OK. Fret. Worry. Wonder. Question. Ponder. Its all part of the process. But it is part of the miraculous process you will be experiencing.
I have found that the roller coaster ride you are on is really of your own design... scary to know that I put myself through many of the hellish experiences I went through... damn myself...
Throughout the past two years I came to the following conclusions:
1. I can't control ANYTHING but myself and my reactions.
2. It is what is. No more no less, just is.
3. If you are doing good work, learning good things, and challenging yourself and others, there IS goodness in the process.
So, within this highly competetive, image based world of the academy there are good things to look for and you will find good things to be surrounded with. Sometimes you have to wander around to find that place...keep searching friend.. and know that your journey is going to be amazing...
AND NO YOU MAY NOT DROP OUT AND MOVE BACK TO COLORADO!!!!
Hugs and laughter,
L.
L--
Ph.D. programs are all smoke and mirrors. They try to bullshit you into thinking it's hard to cover up the fact that they're still referring to the same ten dead white guys they have been for the past thirty years without updating the curriculum.
Use that to your advantage. Marx, Weber, and Durkheim are far easier to understand when you don't read Marx, Weber, or Durkheim. Read the guys who have read Marx, Weber, and Durkheim, because they've already done all the work of processing the information for you.
Trust me. You won't be any less knowledgeable about the theorists.
It's all a sham. Think of it this way: the Ph.D. club is an exclusive fraternity. They want to haze you for two years to see if you can hang. The trick is to find the most effective ways to show them you're down while maintaining your sanity.
Have faith. I am in full dissertation, having just gotten my prospectus approved, and I barely read jack rabbit squat I was assigned through three years of coursework. The internet and Google Scholar are your friends. You'll come to realize what's important to read and what isn't.
Smoke and mirrors, my friend. Smoke and mirrors.
Thanks for your sentiments on this roller coaster ride...(these comments come from my fellow--and wise--PhD buddies from around the nation Missouri, Colorado, Ohio, and Georgia).
Chris, I just laughed as I read your smoke and mirrors vignette...I hope I'm not as cynical as I begin writing my dissertation. Right now, I have this beautiful visual of what a PhD is and what it means, however I think it is slowly being tainted by reality (and your comment).
Stephanie, I know you feel my pain. And I love the idea of a Fulbright!
Leilani, Yes, there is a whole lotta (that word is in Leasa's PhD dictionary )ego in PhD land...even my own ego. And, I have a feeling I am riding this roller coaster with my ego screaming in my ear, "If you quit, you suck! "Sound smart, dummy!" Damn, it is humbling to realize the roller coaster is of my own design.
Jie, Hang in there...imagine you are in Tampere, Finland, ice-skating on the lake!
Hmm, maybe I don't want the PhD anymore... I mean, I am less serious than you... And if it is that much thinking and wondering and not knowing, I don't know anymore. But mine is pure research all the way, no Marx and Weber. Well, as long as I don't have my diploma it is not anything I really need to consider.
Oh, and I loved the smoke and mirror post, that is more like I see this I think! LOL
I am not a PhD student (at least not yet...) but I would like to send you some energy, courage and strength (although I have the feeling you have plenty inside you!). You have decided to be a PhD student, and although at times like now you may not know why you are there, I am sure time will let you know, and, as someone said before, there is something good inside it all. So keep it up and in no time you'll have learnt what the "real" academia is like, whether smoke and mirrors, or a vocation inside you. ;)
Who will take down the boys club if you don't? And if there is someone else I bet they wouldn't do as good of a job as you. So stop it! silly ;) hugs Janny Jan
I read your entry and others comments and I am feeling your pain. You know you can do this if your heart is in it. We truly will not be disappointed in you one way or another. Rely on your family and friends and let us know how you are feeling. We will help support you and give a shoulder to lean on. This entry is a beginning in expressing your feelings. Call and chat with us when you can. Love you, Mom
Hi, I am a first year Phd student and I feel 100% identified with your comments. I am not even from the US so it has been hard to adapt to the country too... but overall I would say it's worthy... keep working hard, learning and I am sure you will be fine! well, that's what I am hoping for me too hahahahaha...
Christopher, thanks for your post. This makes me feel much better. I am starting a PhD program next week and have managed to completely freak myself out...BEFORE the madness has even started...yikes.
But, having worked through an MA program, you're probably right about the whole smoke and mirrors thing. I think I'll just relax and see how it goes. :) Thanks.
Hi Leasa,
I just came across this blog post from 2008. I am a first-year PhD student in the humanities and I was really glad to see my thoughts mirrored on your blog. I'm reluctant to have this kind of open conversation with my peers and faculty, though this is exactly how I am feeling in my 2nd quarter. I am curious, are you still in school? Do you have any thoughts on these first-year feelings, in retrospect?
Laura, Yes, I am still working through the PhD. I am actually in my 4th year and collecting data for my dissertation. The first year is always the hardest and these feelings and questions are very natural. The thing is...you really have to WANT to get a PhD--and that desire will get you through the first year. So, hang on, sit in the feelings (don't fight them) and suddenly you will be in your second year. Best of luck!
Leasa
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